September 3rd, 2021

A Break







I'm still in a bit of a mood so stole this from spacefem, for no reason.

1. What luxury is totally worth the price?
Speaking from experience: a decent hotel room.
Not crazy-luxurious, just DECENT.
Pay the extra $25-$30 bucks to KNOW that the carpet will not be sticky, and the bed will be clean, and the shower will not have other people's hair in it. It is just not worth the handful of money you'd save to suffer a dirty, unsafe hotel room where you will feel uncomfortable all night. Spend the stupid money and give yourself the "luxury" of a decent space for the night.

2. What is the most unique or silliest problem you have going on in your life at the moment?
Most unique would definitely have to be how and what to pack for this tour.
I'm experienced with living on the road, but this is a type of living I haven't been through yet. So I can make pretty good guesses at what I'll need...but when I get out there, how much stuff will have been wasted suitcase space? What items will I find myself wishing I had brought? I definitely feels like I'm rolling the dice with some of the things I'm bringing, but I'm also intrigued to see what will work out and what won't. Someone should do a case study.

Silliest is probably the bizarre situation I find myself in at work. My employer is more or less acting like I'm not there! I have almost nothing to do, for another two whole weeks! I've been removed from all schedules and all tasks. It's such a weird situation, this has never happened when I've given notice before, and I don't really know how to handle it. Maybe I'll just go home early every day...

3. If you were so wealthy you didn’t need to work, what would you do with your time?
TRAVEL. OUTSIDE THE US.
There are so many places and things that I want to see! I am almost 40 and have never been outside North America.
Hoping so much that I get to see more someday!

4. What is the most tedious and/or the most exciting sport to watch?
I am bored to death by NASCAR. What exactly do people get excited about?
I've seen cars go just as fast and execute more fancy maneuvers on my morning commute.

I don't watch sports much at all, but do find that I like physical and mental combat-based sports the most (martial arts, fencing, archery, chess, pool, &c).

5. What do you think the ideal age to be is?
For me personally, right now is actually pretty good.

Mid-20s was great too, looking back I can wistfully appreciate the enthusiasm, and energy, and relentless ambitions that I had. I could try anything at all, because so many possibilities were open to me. The problem, though, is that I didn't have much experience or perspective or self-confidence. I was a good preplanner, but there were many times I got in my own way with caution or nervousness or self-loathing. I wish I had been less of what people wanted, and more of what I actually am. I probably would have gotten farther.

Which is why now, late 30s, is pretty good.

Sure, I'm bitter in a lot of ways. And I still have strong self-loathing. But I've also learned about WHY I feel bitter about how some things turned out. At this point in life, I've come to accept that sometimes the mightiest struggle, the greatest effort, will be for nothing in the end. And that's OK. It's ok that it happens, and it's ok to accept it. Some opportunities in my life have come and gone forever, and that was a painful pill to swallow. But part of what's good about my current age is I've had time to accept that it's OK not to get what you want out of life. Most of us are going to fall short of what we expect and what we want before we die. Dreams slip through our fingers. Our health fades away. Our hearts are broken, never to recover. And that's all OK.

Most of all, at this age, I finally get that it's ok not to BE what you DO.

It's ok to bake bread, and just enjoy it. No end goal.

I also appreciate that my body is still in excellent working condition. I know that there will come a time when I can't see every ridge on a leaf's edge with my bare eyes, and so I appreciate so much that I can do it now. My back does not hurt, my knees are operational. I still don't even think about whether I'm sitting or standing for the majority of the day, my body mostly doesn't care, and I know that that's a gift I need to savor because someday soon my body will fail me, and that will be a whole new level of struggle and acceptance.

All of these things make me appreciative and grateful of THIS age, and the now.
I am pleased to throw away my stable job and have an adventure, because at this age I can rely on my body to endure the travel, and I know I can probably still find work when I get back. I can appreciate every moment fully, even the bad parts, because at this age I can hear those doors of opportunity slamming shut and the clock ticking relentlessly on, and because I'm 37 years old I know that this moment cannot last, and I must savor it all until it's gone. At this age, I can embrace the fear of flying, and of failure, and of leaving home. Because now I am old enough to understand that there will come a day when flying will be impossible; a day when failure will be my constant companion even in the smallest tasks; and a day when leaving home no longer means an adventure, but the end of my independence.

For all of these reasons and more, now is the best time, and the best age, for me.