Log in

No account? Create an account

Previous Entry | Next Entry

Last Post

I was going to write about my boring week. As it turned out there was more excitement in my week than planned. I got fired. Whether it's because I was at the end of my 30-day trial period, or because I did something wrong, or because I was making tons of mistakes...I don't know. Maybe all of those.

It shouldn't have come as a shock, but it kind of did. I frequently asked for feedback, and was told every time that I was doing fine and "it takes at least six months" to get used to the work. So I plugged along and did my best, and didn't think anything of it. So yeah, I was a bit surprised to be fired. Maybe also because I've just never been fired before. But there's a first time for everything.

I'm sorry to have wasted so much time training for something I'm no good at.

Anyway, with that, I've decided not to write this blog any longer (for the forseeable future). After the circus ended there were people who wanted me to keep writing. Why, I've no idea. No one is entertained by reading about my sorry life. It was interesting when there was a journey to share, and that's over now. I had promised to transfer the circus parts of my blog over to WordPress, and with one thing and another I just haven't had the time or patience. Maybe that will happen in the future, maybe not.

The bottom line is, I need to step away for a while, for me. This blog was made for a very specific purpose: to share an adventure. So, if I am fortunate enough to go on any more adventures, I will come back here and share them with you again. But until that time, I'll be switching back to my older, private, diary-style LJ account (the username is in the comments below if you'd like it). I won't be leaving LJ, but I won't be posting here for a while. I'm sorry to end it this way, but I need some time to myself.

Thank you for reading, whatever your reasons. Best wishes.


( 30 comments — Leave a comment )
Feb. 25th, 2018 07:40 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry to hear you got fired, I didn't see that coming.

I've been reading your blog since the first time you posted on ditl.
I don't think I've ever commented, but I have read every single entry since (not creepy, just part of my Sunday or Monday routine, right after post secret!).

I've enjoyed your entries, am kind of sad to read you won't be updating anymore but hope you keep your head up and wish you the absolute best!
Feb. 26th, 2018 03:13 am (UTC)
No worries, me either. I have a very strong work ethic, and as long as I'm actually doing the required work and being a professional in all aspects holding a job has never been a problem. But maybe I underestimated just how "temp" this was. Or maybe they wanted someone who was more social around the office or something. No idea.

Anyway, thank you. It's hard to tell who reads this and why. Using analytics I can tell that readership has gone from a few hundred every week down to a handful. Which, I don't really care about how many people are reading. But I started this blog in particular to share something magical. And now all I have to share are struggles.

Tell you what, if I ever go on some sort of life adventure again, I will definitely post it here! You never know what will happen. But until that time, I think it's best if I step away for a while. I am more than a little lost in life, and I need to figure out what comes next. Thank you for understanding and take care.
Feb. 25th, 2018 08:16 pm (UTC)
Even if you don't make it public, keep it as a diary with photos. It is good "therapy", I think. I have one for 33 years, started on Apple II computer, now on private blogger.
Feb. 26th, 2018 03:18 am (UTC)
I actually do have a private LJ here that was started LONG before the circus...back in 2008, when I had just begun grad school. I faithfully documented school, and my gay roommates, and our adventures, and performances, and auditions and jobs etc etc. I wrote there every year up until joining the circus. I'll probably just switch back to that.

I like to write. It's just that this blog was started with a purpose, which was to share circus life. My other blog was a place to vent, and work out my struggles. So I'll go back to that, because that's what's needed now.

If anything exciting happens to me again, that I think would be fun for others to experience, I will come back to document it here. For example, going on another tour! Or joining a professional orchestra! (Two dreams of mine) But until then I think it's best if I step away for a while.

Thank you for reading!
(no subject) - taz_39 - Feb. 26th, 2018 03:41 am (UTC) - Expand
Feb. 25th, 2018 09:35 pm (UTC)
See you down the road :)
I'm so sorry that happened. I will dearly miss your posts, which I very much enjoyed since you continued them after the circus. There are people out there, myself included, who could relate to your struggles while carving out a life for yourself after your dream job ended. I wish you all the best in what comes next. :)
Feb. 26th, 2018 03:24 am (UTC)
Re: See you down the road :)
Thank you. I'm surprised to hear that there are some people who still wanted to read the post-circus stuff. While I appreciate that and am thankful that the posts carry some interest, I still think I need to step away at least until I get my life together. In writing this blog I always try to keep it "real yet positive", so I end up leaving out a lot of how I actually feel...because in the end, I'm a REALLY dark pessimist. There's a lot of frustration and pain that I have to choke back when I write here. I end up thinking, "How can I show how angry I am right now, without saying what I really want to?" That's not how I want to write.

So I will take a break. If anything of interest happens, that might bring people some happiness or take them on another adventure, I'll happily write here again. But until that time I'm going to step away, and go back to another private LJ that I've kept since long before the circus.

Thank you so much for reading. I am glad that you came on this journey with me. With any luck I will have more real-life stories for everyone someday :)
Feb. 25th, 2018 11:35 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry to hear that you got fired.
I really do enjoy reading about whatever you have been doing and I'm sad that you wont be posting anymore. You do still have a journey to share, the journey of finding your new life, and you will.

That said, I would still love to stay in touch. I have been hoping to get to see you perform in Orlando/at EPCOT sometime.

We just bought a condo (actually we close on March 21) in Celebration and will hopefully be traveling down there more in the future, my mother in law will be living in it for the time being.

I would love to get together on occasion, for lunch or dinner, when we come south.

Of course, you can say "no, go away crazy lady." But I hope you wont.

Good Luck in whatever you choose to do.
Feb. 26th, 2018 03:30 am (UTC)
Sure :)

It's ok, it happens to everyone. It wouldn't be so bad except I just really don't know what to do next. I don't know what I want out of life at all. And I think it's time I set this blog aside to figure that out. If I am fortunate enough to fall into another adventure in the future, I will be more than happy to start writing here again (because sharing the adventure was what this was all about!). But until then I think I should take a break.

Yes, we can certainly keep in touch! Not sure when I'll be performing in Epcot again, that was a one-time thing as far as I know. But anyway, my other, older, darker LJ account is under the username "Sageyoku". It is private, so you'd have to friend me, but that's where I'll be posting from now on if I post at all. It's definitely more diary-like, and a lot less pretty than this blog, lol.

If you want my email or whatever just send a PM or look me up on facebook (or did we already exchange that stuff? we might have...)

Thank you for being so supportive and a great internet friend :)
(no subject) - donnad - Feb. 26th, 2018 03:32 am (UTC) - Expand
Feb. 26th, 2018 02:14 am (UTC)
I'm sorry you got fired too.

Thank you for sharing your life with the public. I found your blog through DITL and then read it every Sunday. FWIW, I don't think you have a boring life.

I wish lots of success in whatever you choose to do next.
Feb. 26th, 2018 03:35 am (UTC)
Thank you. I do have another LJ account, but it's more diary-like and a lot less, er, "positive" than this one haha ^^;

I just wanted to bring everyone along on this adventure. I've said it so often and I mean it: I wish EVERYONE could have ridden the circus train. I wish EVERYONE could have formed a relationship with an elephant. But the next best thing was to open a window and give everyone a look.

Now it's time for a break. If I get to go on another adventure, I will share it here again. Until that time, if you want to remain LJ friends, I'd suggest adding me under my other username, "Sageyoku". Thank you and best wishes <3
Feb. 26th, 2018 03:31 am (UTC)
I'm so sorry that happened to you. I know I don't comment much but I do try to check in here semi-regularly and post an update every once in a while. I hope you will also, 'cause I'm definitely going to miss you!

Good luck with whatever you do, always.

All the best,

Feb. 26th, 2018 03:40 am (UTC)
Thanks. It's ok, I haven't checked your blog nearly as often as I wanted to (though it seems your life is quite the roller coaster as well, eh!).

I am going to take a break from this blog for now. If I am lucky enough to have more adventures in the future, I will happily share them here. Until that time, I'd like to step away and get my life together. I do have another LJ under the username "Sageyoku", you're welcome to friend me there or I can reach out to you. It's more diary-like, and because I'm a really awful pessimist it can get pretty dark, miserable, and whiny. But that's what diaries are for, right? :P

Anyway, it's been great being one of your LJ friends. I will keep better track of your journal, and I will still be on LJ, so see you around!
(no subject) - leftbase - Feb. 26th, 2018 03:52 am (UTC) - Expand
Feb. 26th, 2018 04:53 am (UTC)
I’m one of those random readers and I’ll be sad to see you go. I started reading out of a bit of mild curiosity about the circus but I kept reading because I just felt invested in seeing how things turn out for you. I still really hope you’ll find something you love to do. I read a few other blogs but nothing like yours- I feel like so many bloggers are for show, trying to sell things, essentially branding themselves. You were the only one I read who was just going about your life and reporting on things as they happened and though it might feel simple or mundane to you, I did look forward to reading it each Sunday.

We’d have very little in common on paper, but I really related to your struggles. While your life might not feel fascinating or exciting right now, you come with a fresh and unique perspective from having traveled with the circus. I hope you hang on to that.
Feb. 27th, 2018 02:37 pm (UTC)
Thank you. That means a lot. This blog was started just to let my parents know what I was up to. Then other circus performers started using it for reference when we'd revisit cities. Then a few magazines got ahold of it...and from there it became a way to share what it's like to be on the circus. After the circus ended I was encouraged to keep up with the blog. Which was fine for a while as I got a new job and quit it and moved to Jameson and got a new job and got fired. But I think the purpose of the blog has kind of been lost...I'm just writing about my stupid week. And because it's been so public, I keep making this horrible effort to keep everything all shiny and positive, which is not how I feel about anything. I don't want to write like that.

So, time to step away. If there comes a time that I get to go on another adventure, I'll write here again. In the meantime I have another LJ under a different username, it's private and it's been around since 2007, and I'll write whatever I want there haha.

Thanks very much, I'm glad that you enjoyed the blog <3
Feb. 26th, 2018 02:12 pm (UTC)
I'm a newer reader here but I loved your journal. I added you on your other personal journal so please feel free to add me as well. I thought all the best dark and brooding journals were dead on lj so I look forward to checking out yours. Best of luck!
Feb. 26th, 2018 08:36 pm (UTC)
Lol! Ok, sounds good. Under that username I've been writing since 2007, feel free to look back through those posts and see what a twerp I was :P

Nice to meet you!
(no subject) - heathersmoo - Feb. 26th, 2018 08:44 pm (UTC) - Expand
Feb. 27th, 2018 11:30 am (UTC)
That really bites! 2017 sucked and 2018 isn't looking very promising either.

Thank you for sharing so much with us. Through your eyes I've seen circus life in a way that would otherwise have not been possible and for that I am grateful.

I am really going to miss my weekly visits to this blog but understand your need to step away from things. I hope that it will still be available as I really enjoy reading your wonderful writings.

Let me know if you are ever plan to visit Cincinnati to visit good ole #38 on the dinner train. I will make arrangements for you to have dinner on me.

God Bless


Feb. 27th, 2018 02:33 pm (UTC)
Re: Damn!!!
Hi Bill,

Thanks! I'll still be on LJ, just not on this blog any more (for the foreseeable future, unless I get to go on another adventure). It was fun but for the moment I need to take a step back. I'll still be writing under another username.

I'd love to visit the train, just not sure when yet. Maybe sometime over the summer?

Thanks again and take care,
Mar. 2nd, 2018 11:29 pm (UTC)
Thanks for all the posts about life on the train! When I missed it and everyone out there, I loved reading through your stories.

The year after I left Ringling was actually the worst in my life - for piles and piles of reasons. Adjusting to normal life is stupid hard (and doesn't always stick). And I SUCKED at the job I did for a year right after leaving, which made everything even worse. I never did actually get used to life off the road, but I did learn a lot from that crappy year.

I'll keep my finger crossed we have a full time trombone opening at BAC sometime soon for you ;o) And good luck finding your new way!

Sep. 17th, 2018 02:12 pm (UTC)
Hi Melissa :)

Sorry I'm responding to this so late. I stopped reading commentary after a few "special" interactions here.

It doesn't make sense to me that I should have such a hard time adjusting. After all the circus was only five years of my life...the other 33 years of my life have been spent in "normal life". I don't know what it is about my resume that is so off-putting that no one will hire me. I don't know what it is about my emails and messages and calls to other musicians that make them so easy to ignore. Even just getting a "no" response would be better than the silent treatment I've gotten this past year. But whatever. Here I go griping again.

Good to hear from you and take care.
Mar. 18th, 2018 07:09 pm (UTC)
sorry also
I'm Nancy, Jeff Kinum's mom. He got me started reading your blog to know more about the circus train travels. I got hooked. I loved your humor and spunkiness, your photographs. I worried about your allergies and plant and room revisions and growing relationship. Of course, like everyone, I hated the circus closing. When you moved to KC, I kept reading. I grew up in KC and enjoyed your explorations. I signed on today to catch up on your Florida move and am so sorry you are stopping this blog. I feel for you losing the job. I can't imagine anyone not wanting you. Good luck in your next endeavors. I see you have something called LJ, but I don't know what that is. I will ask Jeff to add me to that when he visits from Richmond. But for now good luck and thank you. You have given me so much pleasure.
Nancy Spaulding
Sep. 17th, 2018 02:19 pm (UTC)
Re: sorry also
Hi Nancy, nice to meet you. Thank you for reading my blog. It was just a little project when it started, and now that everything's done I'm glad I kept it. Memories are faulty and change over time, but what I wrote on the day things happened will keep things honest :)

Thank you for your concern. I wish that I could have kept this blog going, but like most things on the internet, it became a place people could use to attack, criticize, or offer unsolicited advice about how I ought to live life. I don't think I'll ever understand why, online, we all feel the need to have a say on everything that we see. It used to be that we could speak, and others would listen, but those days are pretty well gone.

"LJ" is short for LiveJournal, which is this site. I have a second blog here that was started way back in 2008, which I switched to for a short time before being bothered there as well.

Anyway, again it's great to meet you and I'm sorry that I wasn't able to continue the blog. I don't want to spread negativity or undo the magic that was this circus journey, by ruining it with current life situation posts. I do still intend to transfer this blog to WordPress, but due to changes in both sites' programming I can't do a one-step transfer...I must add each post one by one, and each picture too. So it takes a long time, and the way my life has been going I haven't had time. But it will happen, eventually.

Thanks again and take care.
Re: sorry also - (Anonymous) - Oct. 21st, 2018 08:34 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: sorry also - taz_39 - Oct. 22nd, 2018 04:52 pm (UTC) - Expand
Apr. 4th, 2018 09:17 pm (UTC)
Update please...
just to let us know you are ok. I've tried to set up an account with LJ but for whatever reason it doesn't seem to work.

If you can spare just a moment to let us know how you are doing it will be most appreciated.

Sep. 17th, 2018 02:29 pm (UTC)
Re: Update please...
Hi Bill. Sorry for the late response, I stopped checking this page because I didn't want to see unsolicited advice or personal attacks every time I logged in.

I'm OK. Just back to working minimum wage, as I have done for most of my life, because whatever skills I have are not worth a living wage. I was hoping that the circus would add to my resume, or my value, but apparently not.

I will be posting here again soon. I have been offered a chance to join a gimmick-band of all-female musicians on a cruise line (I didn't have to audition so my qualifications are "has a vagina and can hold a trombone"). So I will post here once a week or so again once that starts, if nothing else just to keep my sanity.

People are "so excited!" for me with this job, because when they think of cruise ships they think of vacations and fun and seeing the world. What people fail to realize is that I will be there to work, not have a fun vacation. Crew members do not get to enjoy luxury cruise line suites; I will be sharing a tiny windowless bunker with another person. I will miss Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years with my family and friends. I will have to be away from my boyfriend and my family for four months. I will not be able to use my phone or have reliable internet. Yes, I'm sure some parts of this will be fun and exciting. But the bottom line is, it's temporary work, it's going to be extremely uncomfortable on many levels, and honestly the only reason I'm doing it is because literally no one else will hire me and I really need money for food, shelter, and clothing.

Anyway, sorry for the negativity (that's part of why I stopped writing here). Thanks for asking if I'm ok, not many have done that and I'm touched that you would take time to consider the wellbeing of someone you don't know. Thank you and hope all is well with you too.
( 30 comments — Leave a comment )

Latest Month

October 2019
Powered by LiveJournal.com
Designed by Taichi Kaminogoya